Don't Dream it's Over

Once I had a dream. I dreamed that I would find my true love. The person who was "the one." You know the feeling, you finish each other's sentances, they think like you do. They actually "get you."

Now, I know life is never perfect. I'm a realistic peson, there are going to be times when you and your "soulmate" aren't exactly seeing eye to eye. But if they are indeed they are "the one," they will understand those moments and as a couple you get through them.

I'm tired of chasing that dream. Everytime I think that I have found what I thought I was looking for I get hurt. Another piece of my heart broken and scarred. I know sometimes that I want to have that something so bad, that I will look past everything that's telling me to run away and throw myself into a relationship with wild abandon. Some people call that following your heart. Others call it just plain foolish.

I starting to think that it's the later. The last time that I tried this, I entered into a relationship that was filled with lies and deception from the first day--and I knew it. But I chose to ignore it and dive in head first into a pool with no water in it. You know what happened, I crashed into the bottom of the pool and had to pick up the pieces again..

It is said that love finds you when you're not looking for it. Well, I'm not looking for it anymore. I'm not willing to let myself get hurt again. I'm just focussing on being the best person that I can be. I've got my life together and things are ok.

Finally Winter!!

Ok. Now that we got that out of the way, it's time for Spring....

Happy Valentine's Day

Pachebel

This is probably one of the funniest things I heard in a while. As well as being all over the net lately...

Love and Laundromats

I was doing my laundry today--I hate going to the laundromat. Just the simple act of having to take all my laundry there and sit there while I watch it tumble in the dryer reminds me of everything. I mean, I used to have a fucking washer/dryer in my own kitchen and I gave that all up. Why??

To make matters worse, they have Lite 100.5 piped in there so I have to listen to all those sad love songs that they play. No one said doing laundry was fun, but now I have all this time to think about HOW I ended up at a laundromat and everything that happened the last few months.

Oh, and every time I'm there, they play Margaritaville. So, I sing it at the top of my lungs!!!
"Some people claim that there's a woman to blame......."

People Come into your life for a reason....

I think back through the past few years and I realize that people come into your life at specific times for a reason. Some of them have been profoundly life changing friends. I was a lot closer to some of them in the past, and we have amicably went our separate ways. I still consider them friends though- there's no bad blood between us.

I've been told that everyone who enters your life is there for you to learn and grow from. Even if your relationship with a that person may cause you pain, there is something to be learned from it. You just have to pick that lesson out and grow from it. I guess in life you never do stop learning and growing emotionally until the day you die.

My current circle of friends (the drum circle gang) are a direct result of 2 people coming into my life, Emily and Craig. Emily was my neighbor and introduced me to Craig. Craig in turn turned me onto drumming which in it self was a major life-changing event to me. It gave me something to feel passionate about! I now have a group of friends who are simply amazing!

Sometimes, it isn't people who change your life. I met Jennie through an online site where we started talking to each other on the computer and our friendship blossomed from there. I haven't been to that website regularly in over a year, but Jennie and I have still maintained a beautiful friendship.

I don't know where I would be today if it weren't for all of my friends- my support system. I realize that I have so much wonderful, positive energy in my life and I'm truly grateful for that.

Good Friends

I went over Brian's last night and got a chance to hang out with him, Pat and Donna. The three of them are simply amazing, some of my best friends. We rarely have a chance to just hang out and spend time together. Of course, we ended up drumming, and Pat and I drummed so hard I thought my hands were going to fall off. We raised some serious good energy and everything was good!! It was a great time with three of my good friends.....

I feel happier lately than I've been in a long time! I'm doing things that I love to do, with people that I care about. I feel like a weight had been lifted off of me that was holding me down for the last 6 months. I hadn't realized that once again, I gave up myself just to be in a "relationship" with someone. A relationship that I thought was setting me free was really just holding me down.

I'm not saying that I didn't feel I was in love. I know that I was, but at what cost??? The stress and drama of her is all gone and I feel once again that I'm able to be me. The feelings of longing and hurt have allready started to fade away. Now, I feel like I'm #1.
Happy New Year!!

Bringing in the New Year

Jacq posted about our expeience with Kirtan chanting on New Years eve. Read about it on her blog here. I had an awesome night and I feel like I'm finally at a place where I can put 2006 behind me and move on in a good state of mind. I haven't felt this good in MONTHS....

I had the most amazing New Years Eve last night. Jacq invited me to go to a live Kirtan/Yoga event in New Haven, and it was amazing. She and I ended up sitting in and drumming with the chants and it was one of the most amazing drumming experiences that I have ever had. What a way to ring in the New Year!!

As we got to the last chant of the evening, Denise asked us to bring in an intention to carry with us to the new year. My intention is to put the past behind me and move on and get back to who I am. I feel so charged up right now, and it's like all is right in the world now.

What I learned this past year

My year has been one of the most topsy turvy ones that I can remember....but, with all my downfalls this year I have learned a few things...This is a growing list, so I'll be adding to it as I think of more things...

Live each day to it's fullest-- "Yesterday is history, tomorrow a mystery, and today is a gift, that's why we call it the present"

Don't make promises that you're not prepared to keep.

The words "I love you" mean different things to different people--there are different levels of love.

Be honest with yourself. It all starts there. If you cant be honest with yourself, you won't be with anyone else.

Never put yourself second. Don't make someone your priority when they make you their option.

While it's great to follow your heart, proceed with caution.

You can love someone too much.

Spitituality comes from within you--not through someone else. But it's okay to have someone point you in the right direction.

The word "forever" means a really long time, not a month.....

Never date someone who's just getting divorced/getting over someone. They'll only hurt you in the end.

Everything happens for a reason- when bad things seem to happen, there's always a positive outcome / something to be learned in the end.

Always take risks, you never know if you'll be passing up something great.

Nice guys DO finish last- why?? Because people will walk all over you to get what they want.

I'm still trying to organize all the stuff in the computer/office area of the new apartment. When filing stuff today I came across a stack of old Birthday/Anniversary/whatever cards from when I was married. Which after reading them made me sad.

This brought up two things...first, I read the words " I love you forever" which really makes me question the use of the words "forever." I was reminded of this again oh so recently. Is it ok to say it when you mean it at the time?? I mean forever is a really long time!!!

Second, why did I save all of these cards?? To remind me of love lost?? To brighten up my days? (I think not). Why do we hold on to memories of the past?? It's almost like it was another life to me at this point. One that I thought I had put behind me.

There comes a time when you have to simply say goodbye. The chapter of my life that has been the emotional rollercoaster of the last 6 months has to come to a close. Will it hurt?? Sure as hell! But, I have to do this for my own sanity, something which I have abandoned as of lately.

In order for me to fully get on with my life, I simply have to "let go." Sorry if this causes anyone pain, but as I mentioned above, I have to do it for my own good.

In keeping with my penchant for song lyrics, I leave you with this:

And now that it's all over
The birds can nest again
I'll only snow when the sun comes out
I'll shine only when it starts to rain
For I am a mirrorI can reflect the moon
I will write songs for you
I'll be your silver spoon
I'm sorry I took your time
I am the poem that doesn't rhyme
Just turn back a page
I'll waste away,
I'll waste away

Elton John "Goodbye"

People Come into your life for a reason....

Sometimes people come into your life & you know right away that they were meant to be there, to serve some sort of purpose, teach you a lesson, or help you figure out who you are & or who you want to become. You never know who these people may be (possibly your roommate, neighbor, long lost friend, lover, or even a complete stranger), but when you lock eyes with them, you know at that very moment that they will affect your life in some profound way. And sometimes things will happen to you that may seem horrible, painful, & unfair at first, but in reflection you find that without overcoming these obstacles, you would have never realized your true potential, strength, will power, or heart. Everything happens for a reason. Nothing happens by chance or by mean of good luck. Illness, injury, love, lost moments of true greatness & sheer stupidity all occur to test the limits of your soul. Without these small tests, whatever they may be, life would be like a smoothly paved, straight flat road to nowhere. It would be safe & comfortable, but dull and utterly pointless. The people that you meet who affect your life, and the success and downfalls you experience help to create who you are and who you will become. Even the bad experiences are learned from. In fact, they are the most poignant ones. If someone hurts you, betrays you, or breaks your heart, forgive them for they have helped you learn about trust and the importance of being cautious when you open your heart. If someone loves you, love them back unconditionally, not only because they love you but because in a way they are teaching you to love & open your heart & eyes to things. Make everyday count. Appreciate every moment & take from those moments everything you possibly can, for you may never be able to experience it again. Talk to people that you have never talked to before & actually listen... Let yourself fall in love again, break free, and set your sights high. Hold your head up because you have every right too. Tell yourself that you are a great individual & believe in yourself. For if you don't believe in yourself, it will be hard for others to believe in you.....

To lay me down once more, to lay me down
With my head in sparkling clover
Let the world go by, all lost in dreaming
To lay me down one last time, to lay me down
To be with you once more, to be with you
With our bodies close together
Let the world go by, like clouds a-streaming
To lay me down one last time, to lay me down
To lay me down, to lay me down
To lay me down one last time, to lay me down
To lie with you once more, to lie with you
With our dreams entwined together
To wake beside you, my love still sleeping
To tell sweet lies one last time and say goodnight
To lay me down, to lay me down
To lay me down one last time, to lay me down

-Jerry Garcia

I have come to realize just how important my friends are and that they really are there for me-- in good times as well as bad. Sometimes a real friend will tell you how it is, even when you dont want to know the truth. Other times a real friend is there just to make you laugh and have a great time, and just enjoy life.

I really like the people who I've decided to surround myself with. They're the best bunch of people in the wold, and they know who they are...

:) Paul

I've had a very rough rollercoater ride in my life the last 2 months....Last night was my therapy..the monthly drum circle. I really love the group of people that get together every month to jam, and connect on levels that are just amazing.

I've been on a quest for heightened spirituality for a while. I recently was hanging on to one person who had opened my eyes and "brought the light back to my life." What I realized last night, aside from the fact that drumming is wickedly therapeutic, is that I had been surrounded by awesome spirits who I connect with for quite a while.

I feel like there has been so much tension and angst lifted from me last night. I told Jen that I was going to drum so hard that my hands hurt, and I did. And the Reiki that I received last night didn't hurt either, I suppose.....

I got this from Lisa's myspace the other day...

I've finally created a myspace page....check it out:

http://www.myspace.com/dreambythestars

For all you Starbucks fans (or not), this is funny. Not kid safe, though....