Just over an hour left to April. See Ya!

April was just a hiccup on my journey.....May starts tomorrow and I will take what I have learned during the month of April and hopefully apply it to the future. I have come to the conclusion that everything happens for a reason, even things you might think are random. Take something that you think is bad, and take the good out of it. If you have learned life's little lesson, then it is a positive experience for you.....

It was an absolutley spectacular morning this morning, although I ran out of coffee and didn't get a drop until almost 10. And I needed it. I partied just a little much last night. The weather is fine, I feel great! Dropped Bob Marley into the CD player on the way in this morning! :) Good way to start a day, even without caffeine.

Delilah will be spending a few extra days with me shortly, Jill's grandmother is very sick in Californina and Jill's going out there to see her. So, I'll be picking up Delilah on Thursday after school and she will be staying with me until Tuesday or Wednesday. That would be super cool, though I'll have to make arrangements to come into work a little late those mornings that I'll be dropping Del off at school.

In the CD Player Today: Bob Marley- Legend (again?)

"Let us never speak of this again"

-ok done.

"Friends?" I asked. "Friends. Let us never speak of this again". "It's all good" Ok let's go on now. (And, yes, this will be the last time I mention this here).

Oh, almost forgot:
In the CD Player Today-
The Beatles- Abbey Road
Joe Jackson Band- Live

"I'm sorry" There said it here. Falling on deaf ears? Probably.

One hell of a rough day at work today. Looking forward to it being over. Running to Delilah's soccer game and then quickly home to change and pick up drums for the rehersal tonight. It's gonna get interesting then.

I just hope that I can get to a point where it will be the same as it was back in March before this whole thing happened.

I was happy then, wasn't I? So I will leave this month of April, and start off May happy. A new start. So, I will see her every now and then. I just hope that it will not get ugly between us. I was just starting to get comfortable with the group of friends we hang with. I hope that dosent change.

Used to be that I believed in something
Used to be that I believed in love
It's been a long time since I've had that feeling
I could love someone
I could trust someone
I said I'd never let nobody near my heart again darlin'
I said I'd never let nobody in

...found this (excerpted) in someone's blog today. Damn, ain't it the truth.

I guess my comments of late last week have offended more than one person. I can understand why. I'm trying to change my life for the better. I've been looking back at the past and seeing what mistakes I've made in life, and trying to learn from them. I have had alot of emotions to deal with, and past memories that I have to deal with.

Alot has been going through my mind, and the words that I typed here didn't fully express my feelings. I openly apologize if I offended anyone who I still care about (yes, even as friends). Some of you have shown your true friendship through all of this, and I thank you for that. As for the others, well, I wish you'd understand what's been happening, and at least give me a chance to talk with you about it. I think you know who you are.

In the CD Player today: Pink Floyd- Wish You Were Here

Risks

To laugh is to risk appearing the fool. To weep is to risk being
sentimental. To reach out for another is to risk involvement. To expose your
feelings is to risk exposing your true self. To place your ideas, your
dreams before a crowd is to risk their loss. To love is to risk not being
loved in return. To live is to risk dying. To hope is to risk despair. To
try is to risk failure. But risks must be taken, because the greatest
hazard in life is to risk nothing. The person who risks nothing,does
nothing, has nothing, and is nothing. They may avoid suffering and sorrow,
but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, live, love. Changed by their
attitudes, they are like a slave,and they have forfeited their freedom. Only
the person who risks is free.

I found this on someone's Match.Com profile today. I have boldfaced a couple of phrases that I feel really mean something to me. I have risked, and I have lost.

Why is it that whenever I type, or email something that it goes without saying that it gets misinterpreted? Damn it, it happens every time. You made me really look into myself, and what I had done in the past, and work to become a better person. Thank you.


Now dont be angry. We have drums to play :)

Now that I've got all that straightened out, I have to concentrate on living and being happy. Considering the circumstances, I will have to see her every now and then, we left it as friends for that reason. I haven't heard from her in a few days, but I guess thats better that way (it gave me time to sort it all out).

Now for living. Spring is here, this depressing weather should be leaving us soon. Looking forward to Rites of Spring and Midsummer. Camping. Drumming. Bonfires! Yee ha!

BLAH!

Blah Blah and more blah.
Ok. This week in a nut shell:
Women suck.

There, said it. Well, ok. So call me a little disgruntled on the whole "attempted dating" thing. My life feels like a David Letterman Top 10 list of failed dates and attempted relationships. I guess that I'm just getting tired of what seems like an eternal search to find someone to share my life with. Every time I think that I meet someone who I think might want to be with me, either I do something wrong, or I get one of the responses from the following list:
1) "Paul, You're a really nice guy, but......"
2) "This is really just going too fast...It's too soon for me"
3) "It's not you, it's me" (This week's winner!)
4) "I Like you, but not in that way"

In the CD Player Today:
Van Morrisson- Moondance (what an F-ing great CD!)

Yeasterday, and most of today, I was really feeling great. I went over Craig's for dinner last night, and on the way over there, I was so happy that I thought I was gonna burst out laughing. I really felt like I was gonna explode from happiness!

Despite the weather today, I was feeling great too. I caught up with Debbie for lunch today. She and I shared a few laughs. I was ok until I was almost home, and I had a sudden realization that I had a Friday night with NOTHING TO DO. The times with nothing to do and no one to spend them with are the worst. But I have to realize that I can make them better.

After kinda sitting on the couch watching a movie, (a really good one, I might add "How to Kill your Neighbors Dog"..it's not really about that....but anyway...) I realised that this was prime opportunity to take some "me time". I lit the candles and insense, and caught with some old friends on the phone...gonna do a little meditation in a few minutes. I'm getting back to where I was a couple of weeks ago.....it will be good.

In the CD Player Today:
Nusrat Fateh Ali Khan and Michael Brook- Night Song
Tony Levin Band
Various Artists- Bliss Compilation
Various Artists- From Here to Tranquility

I'm having a good day today, despite the crappy weather. When will it feel like Spring again?? I feel some stress has been lifted, and I'm actually able to breathe and live again. Cool.

I'm picking up Delilah tonight, and she's staying overnight. That should really pick me up. It continually inspires me how amazing that your children can be. Keep it up kid, you're my little princess :)

Well, come to find out that she didn't have any feelings for me anyways. The whole "I need space" thing was just to hold me off. I got an email yesterday explaining it was all for the physical stuff. Well, at least now I know, and I can have closure. And I had some fun to boot. Movin' on......

Ok, I had a good night's sleep, and was actually feeling good this morning. Got out Dead Set and popped it in the CD player on the way to work. I was actually humming Franklin's Tower on the way in the door. Then the boss gets all over me the second I get in. Damn fine way to ruin my mood!

"What the hell do I have to do to actually be in a good mood?" Seems when I get in the right mindset, things stack up against me. Well, look at it this way, I could be a lot worse, right?

In the CD Player today:
Grateful Dead- Dead Set (again)

This is truly uplifting:

I'm having one of the shittiest, most gloomy days in recent months. All day, I feel this angst, and confusion inside of me. I just want to crawl into a cave and hide. It's a Monday, so I head over to Delilah's daycare to pick her up after work.

As I drive up, I notice Delilah playing in the playground and I walk up to the gate and she drops everything she's doing and runs over yelling "Daddy!" at the top of her lungs. I open up the gate and she gives me a big hug and kiss. I could swear I was just going to break out in tears right then.

When we got home, I made dinner and afterwards, we put in a Disney video and she snuggled up to me on the couch. "I love you Daddy" she said after kissing me on the cheek. This is the unconditional love that only your child can give you.

On the way back to her mom's house, I took her hand, and said "I love you more than anything". She took her other hand and placed it on her chest and said "I love you with everything in here." Right then I realized what really mattered in my life. Just when you think things are going awful, something wonderful happens to show you the light.

Be Well,
-Paul

Allright, so the fucking dream was just that. POOF! Damn, I always seem to sabotage my relationships in the same way. What the hell was I thinking anyway?

In the CD Player Today:
Dire Straits- Brothers in Arms
Marillion- Misplaced Childhood

WOW! Things are just groovy here! It's almost dreamlike. I still have to pinch myself to see if it's real..... We just seen to have so much in common, and it's very nice to meet someone that I get along so well with.

We're going to see Bela Fleck tonight at Jorgensen on the UConn campus. Bob at the radio station hooked me up with a pair of tickets! I cant wait, I've got Bela's double CD Live Art that I've been listening to this week. Gotta dig it, I've never seen Bela before, and Craig says that seeing his Bass player is well worth going all in itself.

Looking forward to this weekend. I usually would have Delilah this weekend, but Jill is taking her to see her relatives in New Jersey. I'll be going to a drum circle tomorrow night...those are usually a blast.

As I was saying, things in my life seem to have been falling in place big time! I'm just starting to get a sense of direction, and feel that I'm headed in the right direction. Funny how that I have been thinking that I just needed to concentrate on myself, and not actively look for female companionship.

Then out of the clear blue...WHAM. Who would have thunk it?? To be honest, this has totally blindsided me. As friends have always told me, it usually hits you when you least expect it. It's so cool though, I feel very happy today, I just hope this feeling lasts. I just want to bottle it and save it for a rainy day...